THE BLAH-LIDAYS

Being my first year sober through the Holidays, I can see it blows. First years are hard for everyone that is trying to abstain from their addiction; Pavlov and his theory of classical conditioning explain why. Some people use the word "trigger", I say "association". The first year of sobriety we have no other association with seasons, events, smells, interactions than those that revolved around our addiction. I drank kayaking, at baby showers (yes, I got fucked up at my friends baby shower), after a workout, in the summer, in the winter and yes, during Thanksgiving and Christmas. When summer came on this year and I realized I was going to try and dedicate myself to being sober I had to white knuckle it through the sidewalk eateries, the heat on my chest reminding me how good a cold beer would be, the smell of the flowers, the excitement of freedom. Excitement is a triggering emotion for me even more than sadness or anxiety. The call of adventure impregnates my loins and I feel the rush to the call of fresh experiences (not really impregnating, but sometimes). Unfortunately, the fresh, new experiences are freckled with nightmarish remembrances. So the first year is paving new pathways, creating new associations. Subsequent years you can say "Oooh that smell reminds me of ice cream!" or some new replacement, some better memory. Some of the memories I have of drinking will never be topped by what I experience in sobriety and I just have to admire and observe those for what they are. I can look at Vegas on a post card and think "What a great time I had there" and never step a foot there sober. Not even cause my Vegas experience was amazing, but I'll never top it sober cause the reality is that I hate Vegas.